BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
two words...techno handjob
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
farters have to be the big spoon...
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.