eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
