What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He felt like a one man threesome
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick