like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im so drunk with asians