i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
vagina is talking i cant
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Your dad touched me again.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if only i could text you this smell
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it's like iHOP with fire
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.