Texts From Last Night

vanessuh's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong http://tfl.nu/5qbx
  Replies (15) Good night (6297) Bad night (1334)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party. http://tfl.nu/a5ld
  Replies (33) Good night (11341) Bad night (2894) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later http://tfl.nu/a02r
  Replies (26) Good night (7492) Bad night (1866) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (104) Good night (38275) Bad night (1720)
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning. http://tfl.nu/50tz
  Replies (26) Good night (6544) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate http://tfl.nu/r0av
  Replies (22) Good night (8876) Bad night (1190) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt http://tfl.nu/3ulw
  Replies (17) Good night (1974) Bad night (2997) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome. http://tfl.nu/21pe
  Replies (22) Good night (28709) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (339): i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall http://tfl.nu/8iwm
  Replies (38) Good night (21292) Bad night (1994) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say http://tfl.nu/znzu
  Replies (32) Good night (1777) Bad night (5061) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (368): View more from

  you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (368): you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning. http://tfl.nu/nfr6
  Replies (22) Good night (6748) Bad night (1201) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
  Replies (124) Good night (40841) Bad night (2615)
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  vagina is talking i cant

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): vagina is talking i cant http://tfl.nu/cyjf
  Replies (37) Good night (3563) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (321): Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting? http://tfl.nu/dyqe
  Replies (4) Good night (536) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit... http://tfl.nu/fzja
  Replies (60) Good night (4503) Bad night (1523) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask http://tfl.nu/pl36
  Replies (31) Good night (9697) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!? http://tfl.nu/nh7f
  Replies (39) Good night (8179) Bad night (728)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Your dad touched me again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Your dad touched me again. http://tfl.nu/syvf
  Replies (31) Good night (1966) Bad night (23621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie. http://tfl.nu/9q37
  Replies (6) Good night (2113) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all.. http://tfl.nu/ph0g
  Replies (9) Good night (528) Bad night (3086) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced. http://tfl.nu/9kh7
  Replies (23) Good night (819) Bad night (8567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): make sure i look cute passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/459h
  Replies (41) Good night (5523) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know. http://tfl.nu/0mbm
  Replies (20) Good night (5109) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  Your favorite bartender is back from prision

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): Your favorite bartender is back from prision http://tfl.nu/uuje
  Replies (12) Good night (6329) Bad night (729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy? http://tfl.nu/swws
  Replies (17) Good night (5218) Bad night (632) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship? http://tfl.nu/nsqw
  Replies (37) Good night (9227) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty. http://tfl.nu/kgia
  Replies (34) Good night (11592) Bad night (1295) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
  Replies (86) Good night (20165) Bad night (1415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  if only i could text you this smell

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): if only i could text you this smell http://tfl.nu/til8
  Replies (22) Good night (1122) Bad night (4253) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat. http://tfl.nu/2u5h
  Replies (17) Good night (2393) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  oh, you finally did the dishes then?

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  No, bought new ones.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight. (704): oh, you finally did the dishes then? (980): No, bought new ones. http://tfl.nu/21up
  Replies (48) Good night (7490) Bad night (1129)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning http://tfl.nu/bu5f
  Replies (22) Good night (1075) Bad night (5695) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny. http://tfl.nu/aua9
  Replies (13) Good night (5132) Bad night (1069)
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you. http://tfl.nu/3bx1
  Replies (13) Good night (703) Bad night (4180) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey. http://tfl.nu/1r0k
  Replies (27) Good night (11358) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight. http://tfl.nu/b9qd
  Replies (60) Good night (700) Bad night (5962) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow. http://tfl.nu/e5qu
  Replies (32) Good night (7291) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus... http://tfl.nu/529z
  Replies (33) Good night (5208) Bad night (1683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub. http://tfl.nu/fmmx
  Replies (33) Good night (1353) Bad night (5847) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Just try to lay there and not be pregnant. http://tfl.nu/a665
  Replies (56) Good night (1243) Bad night (6643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed http://tfl.nu/sgs1
  Replies (19) Good night (3620) Bad night (1118) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES http://tfl.nu/axvy
  Replies (37) Good night (7946) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I didnt dude, i swear!

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (952): I told you not to have sex with her on my futon (612): I didnt dude, i swear! (952): either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon http://tfl.nu/i90q
  Replies (19) Good night (2545) Bad night (6375)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear http://tfl.nu/c4tr
  Replies (25) Good night (6446) Bad night (1297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
  Replies (63) Good night (14887) Bad night (736)
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed http://tfl.nu/eq1c
  Replies (89) Good night (9012) Bad night (1504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw http://tfl.nu/mvua
  Replies (45) Good night (7328) Bad night (657) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
  Replies (46) Good night (15961) Bad night (1068) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (479): View more from Arkansas

  just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (479): just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation. http://tfl.nu/5hwm
  Replies (162) Good night (1154) Bad night (6716) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
  Replies (36) Good night (6950) Bad night (1217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina. http://tfl.nu/gwo8
  Replies (59) Good night (5070) Bad night (4628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it http://tfl.nu/8lil
  Replies (12) Good night (4655) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer. http://tfl.nu/fm8w
  Replies (64) Good night (8941) Bad night (1148) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

  (614): View more from Ohio

  ya and it worked didnt it??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron.. (614): ya and it worked didnt it?? http://tfl.nu/b3g5
  Replies (27) Good night (6367) Bad night (492)
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila http://tfl.nu/c3w5
  Replies (17) Good night (3660) Bad night (1178) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated" http://tfl.nu/zfhg
  Replies (29) Good night (1460) Bad night (8591) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door. http://tfl.nu/090e
  Replies (29) Good night (2068) Bad night (6868) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
  Replies (209) Good night (61963) Bad night (2271) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team.. http://tfl.nu/ngxj
  Replies (34) Good night (5538) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING. http://tfl.nu/vx02
  Replies (22) Good night (5082) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch. http://tfl.nu/v1iz
  Replies (47) Good night (11883) Bad night (1060) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat http://tfl.nu/bqtg
  Replies (40) Good night (5475) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this... http://tfl.nu/lbrb
  Replies (95) Good night (7458) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder. http://tfl.nu/za6c
  Replies (21) Good night (4813) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said" http://tfl.nu/5y3k
  Replies (39) Good night (2557) Bad night (4920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark http://tfl.nu/4we1
  Replies (56) Good night (5972) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship. http://tfl.nu/8xz2
  Replies (26) Good night (7404) Bad night (1025) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical. http://tfl.nu/onyl
  Replies (42) Good night (9884) Bad night (1616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar.. http://tfl.nu/d5fi
  Replies (18) Good night (6665) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff http://tfl.nu/4b3c
  Replies (33) Good night (647) Bad night (8240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
  Replies (57) Good night (1578) Bad night (20652) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic http://tfl.nu/jttf
  Replies (44) Good night (8459) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night? http://tfl.nu/ityh
  Replies (2) Good night (465) Bad night (1307) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  good thing vaginas are great cup holders

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): good thing vaginas are great cup holders http://tfl.nu/j578
  Replies (47) Good night (1009) Bad night (4135) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (313): View more from Michigan

  you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (313): you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser http://tfl.nu/1hpm
  Replies (16) Good night (4342) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that. http://tfl.nu/4x8y
  Replies (15) Good night (4036) Bad night (730) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored. http://tfl.nu/m1fl
  Replies (43) Good night (954) Bad night (7710) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (705): View more from Ontario

  dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (705): dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant http://tfl.nu/i402
  Replies (25) Good night (1119) Bad night (10602) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  it's like iHOP with fire

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): it's like iHOP with fire http://tfl.nu/9idi
  Replies (20) Good night (3831) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function. http://tfl.nu/u3j5
  Replies (73) Good night (1132) Bad night (4479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5
  Replies (30) Good night (7758) Bad night (1114) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike http://tfl.nu/e4pf
  Replies (52) Good night (2034) Bad night (7981) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical. http://tfl.nu/d9c8
  Replies (29) Good night (11033) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
  Replies (91) Good night (21443) Bad night (2995) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now. http://tfl.nu/drco
  Replies (57) Good night (6476) Bad night (862) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics (1-402): you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys. http://tfl.nu/veft
  Replies (18) Good night (8441) Bad night (1107) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box http://tfl.nu/43kr
  Replies (19) Good night (5171) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  You know how I know you're gay?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments (320): You know how I know you're gay? http://tfl.nu/13va
  Replies (36) Good night (6657) Bad night (850)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension http://tfl.nu/bl0j
  Replies (46) Good night (1611) Bad night (5032) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high. http://tfl.nu/w9mm
  Replies (28) Good night (6061) Bad night (751) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless? http://tfl.nu/2m3m
  Replies (10) Good night (5030) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs' http://tfl.nu/aa98
  Replies (38) Good night (1208) Bad night (17168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover? http://tfl.nu/ok2o
  Replies (13) Good night (7980) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago. http://tfl.nu/uh8m
  Replies (35) Good night (13602) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night. http://tfl.nu/n564
  Replies (22) Good night (5622) Bad night (639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America. http://tfl.nu/aex4
  Replies (15) Good night (7383) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" http://tfl.nu/lcyo
  Replies (27) Good night (951) Bad night (4942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate. http://tfl.nu/t5hj
  Replies (31) Good night (5890) Bad night (1388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
  Replies (61) Good night (18517) Bad night (1198) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class http://tfl.nu/hb3s
  Replies (22) Good night (4878) Bad night (1162) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard. http://tfl.nu/gkmc
  Replies (62) Good night (9510) Bad night (1383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I've always been the spiritual type.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc
  Replies (27) Good night (7493) Bad night (697)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2
  Replies (23) Good night (7996) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from? http://tfl.nu/obbh
  Replies (27) Good night (2280) Bad night (6605) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox. http://tfl.nu/v0mm
  Replies (45) Good night (9004) Bad night (2600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow http://tfl.nu/61vx
  Replies (66) Good night (589) Bad night (5987) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed. http://tfl.nu/ikx6
  Replies (21) Good night (5773) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving. http://tfl.nu/b59v
  Replies (36) Good night (5807) Bad night (1399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Maybe....

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Are you pooping in the stall next to me? (404): Maybe.... (540): Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts. http://tfl.nu/wph3
  Replies (82) Good night (4227) Bad night (4985)