I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
