FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You pole danced in your parka.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When did angry sex become our thing?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.