OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
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I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
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I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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