sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
