you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.