THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dating After Heartbreak
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
How drunk are you??
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday