so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
is wine microwaveable?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am