I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious