Texts From Last Night · cedarjay's Favorites

cedarjay's Favorites Texts:

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.

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(210): View more from Texas

Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park

(210): View more from Texas

Surprise ending

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(407): View more from Florida

There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.

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(636): View more from Missouri

She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.

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(714): View more from California

I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.

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(714): View more from California

Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

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(360): View more from Washington

He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...

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(315): View more from New York

She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.

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(858): View more from California

Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.

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(602): View more from Arizona

He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.

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(602): View more from Arizona

After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.

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(315): View more from New York

I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.

(716): View more from New York

The apple don't fall far from that tree.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls

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(703): View more from Virginia

Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.

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(512): View more from Texas

Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.

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(916): View more from California

I'm back here naked if anyones wondering

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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(904): View more from Florida

Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...

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(904): View more from Florida

the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway

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(516): View more from New York

fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt

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(713): View more from Texas

haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old

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(703): View more from Virginia

Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.

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(315): View more from New York

In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you just miss his friendship.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this

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(775): View more from Nevada

He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning

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(989): View more from Michigan

you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober

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(208): View more from Idaho

Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid

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(206): View more from Washington

I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.

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(816): View more from Missouri

If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you

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(512): View more from Texas

So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.

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(214): View more from Texas

NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS

(630): View more from Illinois

Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit

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(562): View more from California

You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.

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(407): View more from Florida

After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!

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(785): View more from Kansas

What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.

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(315): View more from New York

dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn

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(979): View more from Texas

The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(+49): View more from Germany

In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(408): View more from California

I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.

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(360): View more from Washington

My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?

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(330): View more from Ohio

yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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(416): View more from Toronto

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

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(801): View more from Utah

If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(206): View more from Washington

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys

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(574): View more from Indiana

Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive

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(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system

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(909): View more from California

yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(805): View more from California

Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.

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(951): View more from California

my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today

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(253): View more from Washington

We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

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