because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?