I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.