I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
