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i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Your dad touched me again.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
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