the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Found your dick twin last night
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
