What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
this is jacob
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
yea but for you.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate