I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.