Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
where are you?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hippo gnu deer
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Banned from zoo.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE