He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Houston, we have a squirter
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week