We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You need a sexual gate keeper
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?