i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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