Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo