Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ