Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Please, let me fuck your mom
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean