I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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