So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.