i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My pussy is not your playground.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school