From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
