i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
