YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i would one night stand the shit outta him
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.