Texts From Last Night

denialtwist's Favorites Texts:

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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.

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  (513): Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this. http://tfl.nu/ipvr
  Replies (8) Good night (2922) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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  (201): the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/8wsa
  Replies (24) Good night (1156) Bad night (4003) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?

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  (978): What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax? http://tfl.nu/zknj
  Replies (12) Good night (3322) Bad night (976) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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  (214): I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday. http://tfl.nu/w2er
  Replies (24) Good night (1757) Bad night (4805) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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  (908): My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated. http://tfl.nu/0c6p
  Replies (15) Good night (795) Bad night (4057) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1399) Bad night (3947)
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  (516): View more from New York

  the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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  (516): the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY http://tfl.nu/b20j
  Replies (14) Good night (6465) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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  (724): And to think..we used to do everything sober... http://tfl.nu/tbey
  Replies (7) Good night (4465) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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  (707): just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved. http://tfl.nu/zste
  Replies (20) Good night (9295) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
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  (909): View more from California

  Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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  (909): Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups... http://tfl.nu/mcei
  Replies (5) Good night (2764) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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  (312): This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/7nbz
  Replies (28) Good night (4676) Bad night (1897) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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  (509): They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried. http://tfl.nu/h9l8
  Replies (17) Good night (1792) Bad night (3993) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
  Replies (32) Good night (13656) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
  Replies (16) Good night (11133) Bad night (585)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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  (303): Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks... http://tfl.nu/ccgl
  Replies (6) Good night (5932) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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  (262): we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere. http://tfl.nu/ddqg
  Replies (9) Good night (1537) Bad night (2427) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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  (865): She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit". http://tfl.nu/1ezf
  Replies (23) Good night (7828) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Not even marginally surprised

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  (765): He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family (812): Not even marginally surprised http://tfl.nu/oyoq
  Replies (7) Good night (3052) Bad night (1719)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

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  (248): he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question. http://tfl.nu/v6vq
  Replies (11) Good night (764) Bad night (4309) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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  (206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue
  Replies (10) Good night (3968) Bad night (810)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?

  (1-906): View more from Michigan

  It's okay.

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  (906): Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay? (1-906): It's okay. http://tfl.nu/i6me
  Replies (9) Good night (999) Bad night (3812) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass

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  (508): Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass http://tfl.nu/5gce
  Replies (24) Good night (3821) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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  (781): he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness... (413): how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers http://tfl.nu/137y
  Replies (9) Good night (5201) Bad night (640)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

  (269): View more from Michigan

  ...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

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  (734): those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion! (269): ...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone... http://tfl.nu/zhx6
  Replies (9) Good night (518) Bad night (1981)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.

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  (305): Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did. http://tfl.nu/lrh7
  Replies (10) Good night (427) Bad night (1258) Order T-Shirt
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You're my little dorito

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  (269): You're my little dorito http://tfl.nu/8gay
  Replies (4) Good night (1209) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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  (919): we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni. http://tfl.nu/1ccz
  Replies (3) Good night (3329) Bad night (1218) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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  (917): Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something http://tfl.nu/o4s2
  Replies (7) Good night (3616) Bad night (904)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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  (954): I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today? http://tfl.nu/ptoy
  Replies (39) Good night (5643) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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  (314): You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night http://tfl.nu/nbdz
  Replies (13) Good night (1265) Bad night (3984) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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  (618): You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs http://tfl.nu/0h2n
  Replies (6) Good night (3176) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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  (913): Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding http://tfl.nu/jewl
  Replies (8) Good night (3423) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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  (509): Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that. http://tfl.nu/jsxj
  Replies (10) Good night (5291) Bad night (1243)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit

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  (973): i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit http://tfl.nu/ux8z
  Replies (18) Good night (3648) Bad night (1255) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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  (623): I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite. http://tfl.nu/mkl5
  Replies (30) Good night (1192) Bad night (5721) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i dont know what to do

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  with your life?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3

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  (732): i dont know what to do (1-732): with your life? (732): no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3 http://tfl.nu/i8yp
  Replies (17) Good night (4688) Bad night (1923)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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  (253): Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack. (1-253): What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited http://tfl.nu/n0ma
  Replies (13) Good night (5074) Bad night (712)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  someone was throwing condoms at us.

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  no, they just magically show up around you.

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  (401): someone was throwing condoms at us. (1-401): no, they just magically show up around you. http://tfl.nu/lgd4
  Replies (8) Good night (3662) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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  (607): My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons. http://tfl.nu/oech
  Replies (17) Good night (7254) Bad night (733) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
  Replies (27) Good night (10935) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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  (404): His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me. http://tfl.nu/ej9i
  Replies (17) Good night (6202) Bad night (688)
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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  (907): You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink. http://tfl.nu/mebb
  Replies (29) Good night (4021) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14016) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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  (617): You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias. http://tfl.nu/4ikl
  Replies (8) Good night (5571) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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  (818): I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder. http://tfl.nu/z8u4
  Replies (49) Good night (6251) Bad night (2134) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
  Replies (41) Good night (8404) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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  (513): both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage http://tfl.nu/uqc7
  Replies (22) Good night (1430) Bad night (6925)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  You are nothing if not reliable.

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  (206): I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different. (1-206): You are nothing if not reliable. http://tfl.nu/5ioj
  Replies (11) Good night (4340) Bad night (982)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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  (908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr
  Replies (11) Good night (4723) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (86) Good night (13613) Bad night (2319) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Some milfs here doing some blow

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Dad?

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  (203): Some milfs here doing some blow (1-203): Dad? http://tfl.nu/14p7
  Replies (64) Good night (3432) Bad night (7894) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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  (402): Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery. http://tfl.nu/iy17
  Replies (64) Good night (1370) Bad night (9405) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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  (816): I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book. http://tfl.nu/rwum
  Replies (44) Good night (564) Bad night (10042) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6143) Bad night (39423)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
  Replies (166) Good night (27091) Bad night (2261) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
  Replies (59) Good night (23890) Bad night (1550)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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  (724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am. http://tfl.nu/33o2
  Replies (59) Good night (29313) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (214): View more from Texas

  dude. I'm so drunk.

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is bryce's mom

  (214): View more from Texas

  I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

  (972): View more from Texas

  pete, this is still bryce's mom

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  (214): dude. I'm so drunk. (972): pete, this is bryce's mom (214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass (972): pete, this is still bryce's mom http://tfl.nu/lat0
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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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  (607): Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day. http://tfl.nu/b0xj
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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  (214): he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true' http://tfl.nu/1kz1
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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  (410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA! http://tfl.nu/7pku
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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  (440): The ticket read "Found nude in a tree" http://tfl.nu/6rf6
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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  (443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart http://tfl.nu/al7w
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (530): View more from California

  We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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  (530): We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers. http://tfl.nu/jnk6
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  (914): View more from New York

  you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?

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  (914): you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig? http://tfl.nu/9ypp
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  I honestly don't know what to make of that.

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  A ham sandwich would be nice.

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  (423): I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich. (1-423): I honestly don't know what to make of that. (423): A ham sandwich would be nice. http://tfl.nu/fg3s
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
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