I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
