It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day