Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she pinky promised me she was 18
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.