he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm fucking your sister right now.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones