I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
