I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Dating After Heartbreak
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.