The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
