You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.