i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Boobs speak an international language.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
