Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
I have to watch that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
she peed on how many people?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.