Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Come on in and take your pants off
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