I'm fucking your sister right now.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
she peed on how many people?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish