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He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Redeem this text for a blowjob
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he shaved USA in his pubs
my sisters under your porch take her home
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Plan B is the new Plan A
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