He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
bring money and cleavage
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.