He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Your dad touched me again.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.