I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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