I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.