i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"